“Clash of the Titans” (2010)

(NOTE: I didn’t watch the 3D version, because paying 4 extra bucks to have crap thrown at me isn’t going to fix an awful story.)

After rewatching the original Clash of the Titans, I felt safe in saying that I didn’t feel any real affinity for the original; God knows there were plenty of aspects that could have been improved.  Combine that with today’s amazing computer graphics that can make computer people look like very human-seeming computer people, and the fact that everyone likes big loud things, and we had a sure-fire winner of a remake on our hands.  Bring on the PG-13 chicanery!

Sam Worthington, aka The Blankest Slate In All The Land, appears onscreen claiming to be Perseus, but I thought he was just some crappy actor.  The crappy actor claiming to be Perseus rallies a bunch of people into fighting back against the Gods, something that should seem sort of ballsy, but in this movie, its just a thing that’s said that carries no weight whatsoever.  “We’re gonna overthrow the Gods. Wanna order a pizza?”

Clash of the Titans is that rare film that I forgot about as it was playing.  Stuff just sort of happens in between the CGI monster fights, and since you don’t care, it’s hard to get excited about those CGI monster fights.  Note to filmmakers:  If your movie has a Kraken in it, I should be able to remember the movie.  This is known as the Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Corollary.

Liam Neeson plays Zeus, and much like Lawrence Olivier in the original version, he sleepwalks through the movie, enunciating his lines thoroughly and doing his absolute best not to check his watch.  Ralph Fiennes plays his bro-ham, Hades, and he looks like a cross between latter-day William Hurt and John Travolta in Battleship Earth.  Bravo to both actors for stifling their yawns.

There are scorpions in the movie too, so there’s that.

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