Yesterday, I watched the Angelina Jolie flick Salt for about an hour before turning it off in a fit of apathy. Here’s what I remember:
- Salt’s an agent or something.
- Salt betrayed somebody, or maybe somebody betrayed her. I checked my phone a lot.
- There was a foot chase through the city that might have been compelling had it not seemed so fake. Lots of green screen and stunt doubles and stuff that was clearly filmed on a closed set. It was dull.
- At one point, a Russian dude tells a backstory involving Lee Harvey Oswald and some other stuff. It was such an odd little sequence that I kinda noticed it. Good job, Salt!
- The film opens with bad guys pinning Angelina Jolie down in her bra and panties. I don’t know how you make that boring, but by Jove, they did it.
- Salt is one of those movies that tries to get you involved by having no sense of humor whatsoever. YouEverything is very serious and important. I think Liev Schreiber made a couple of wisecracks, but he was so slurry and frowny you didn’t even notice. You’re telling me this movie couldn’t have been improved by Angelina Jolie killing somebody then saying, “You just got Salted!” C’mon.
- Or maybe “YOU JUST BEEN SALTED, PEANUT!”
- One of the Nazis from Inglourious Basterds plays a German spider hunter (?) that is Angelina Jolie’s love interest. It’s funny watching their love “blossom”, with the Nazi showing off his spiders and Jolie making a big-eyed pout that apparently is supposed to be an expression of happiness, but it comes across as a robot being intrigued by human behavior. “The human…heats my circuits. Beep Boop Beep Ba-Doop.”
- That was a perfect robot impression.
- And now we’re at 10. Go away forever, Salt.
Jesse Is Terrific 